Have you ever wondered who you're attracted to?
Is it someone who is very much similar to you?
Or someone who is your opposite?
(Click to enlarge. These are the three main characters that I'm going to mention!)
BUZZER BEAT!
This is a summer season drama that recently concluded in Japan :)
(For this post, I'm solely considering the two factors that influence interpersonal attraction -- similarity and dissimilarity)
In the drama, Naoki was initially going steady with Natsuki, and was even considering getting married with her. They have stark differences in personalities as Natsuki is pragmatic and realistic, while Naoki always seem to be pursuing his far-fetched dreams. As their relationship progresses, their dissimilarities became more and more apparent and Naoki could not offer complementary rewards to Natsuki anymore. She could no longer tolerate the differences. Then she cheated on him and their relationship fell apart. At the same time, Naoki and Riko's meeting developed into a friendship, deepen and eventually turn into love. They shared very similar beliefs, attitudinal similarity, which escalated their progress of development in the beginning of their relationship. Just like Naoki who has a dream to become an outstanding professional basketball player, Riko is a violinist graduate who has a dream to become a professional violinist. Evidently, they share same values and opinions on the pursuit of their dreams, have had similar experiences as they face failures on their journey of pursuing their dreams, and look at the world in the same way. Thus, her existence provides a degree of social validation for Naoki.
However, their relationship got put to test and was criticised.
(Watch video, up to 3:25)
Natsuki accused them of "carelessly escaping from reality" and they are merely "licking each others' wounds". Though Natsuki recognised how Riko could offer support and comfort to Naoki (saying that Naoki feels "comfortable" and "doesn't have inferiority complex" when with Riko), she saw that their similarities lead to a relationship that is "childish and woolly". Then Natsuki continues to put down Naoki's dream. Riko couldn't stand how Natsuki looks down on Naoki's dreams, and jumped into his defence by saying that "Naoki isn't escaping from reality" and that his dream would "definitely, definitely come true!" This is only possible because they looked at their pursuits of dreams in the same way, unlike Natsuki who totally deem it as unrealistic and fuzzy.
In the same scene, Natsuki tries to sow seeds of discord in their relationship by saying "Naoki couldn't even tell you something as important as that (operation on his injury)" to Riko. Despite all these obstacles and criticisms, Naoki and Riko still worked out well. They easily resolved the worries as there were less uncertainties between them. They continued to render each other strength to carry on with their pursuits of their dreams. The concluding episode was a happy ending with both of them achieving their dreams.
And so, solely considering these two factors, similarities and dissimilarities, an ideal partner would be one that has an equal balance of similarities and dissimilarities with you, don't you think? Who wouldn't want to achieve the best of both worlds? However in my opinion, my ideal partner would be largely similar to me (like that of Naoki and Riko). Similarities are to dissimilarities, about 70:30. I definitely feel that having more similarities is more important. This is because being affirmed of your social validation is especially pertinent as we live in a world that is in a state of flux. And though people may develop and grow to like each others' differences over time, I feel that differences could potentially cause disputes and disharmony. Just like how oil and water can never be mixed, differences create the division between two people. The greater the differences, the greater the division. Thus a partner that is largely similar to me would attract me more.
So which influences your choice more?
Is it the similarity or the dissimilarity?
Other references:
(To read the synopsis.)
It will depends whether is it on values and beliefs or personality. I seek similarity in values and beliefs, not only on moral values but the perspective on life, eg. to be contented with what we have. In short, like-mindedness. For character and personality wise, it is more flexible. If there are differences in hobbies and interests, these can be worked out along the relationship.
ReplyDeleteI personally believe that those who choose similarity are those who love themselves, and those who choose dissimilarity are those who can't stand themselves =P so it really depends on each individual. To top it off, dissimilarity may turn out to be complementary, or a complete disaster; and vice versa for similarity. It all depends on how much effort is being put into the relationship by the couple, though it certainly seems to be an excellent excuse for falling out of the relationship =P My choice? Though dissimilarity may seems to be intersting having a partner that constantly challenge my thoughts, but I prefer someone who can share my everything =D
ReplyDeleteFor me, I would probably go for someone very much similar to me, especially on interests and the way he thinks. I feel that although differences can be resolved by communication, however I think that I would not be able to accept someone who thinks opposite from me(haha probably end up arguing more than talking!:P)
ReplyDeletecomment on mine too!
http://commmediadiscourse.wordpress.com
=)Kai Ting
Hello! Hmm... your video couldn't be watched guess is the copyright issue.
ReplyDeleteApart from that, hmm i think i am greedy lol so i would like to have the best of 2 worlds too. Perhaps 60:40 similarities vs dissimilarities =)
i guessed for a relationship is ok to be dissimilar in some ways, however if you would say for spouse, i guessed similarities will work better.
Even though we need complementations,the differences are often the root to problems and eventually disengagement.
Hihi!
ReplyDeleteYour essay is totally opposite to mine. LOL. I believe more in opposite and you believe more in similarities. I guess bpoth of us are right.
At the first sight, opposites are attractive and similarites are not as outstanding. But as the relationship progresses more, similarities seem to fit in more for stablity.
I personally do view stability as a crucial factor in a realtionship but at the same time, I'm greedy enough to expect the other partner not to be dead boring whenever we intreact. I certainly do not wish to discuss about the similar things that we do (individually) all the time.
So my verdict is 50/50 :)
(comment on http://handwritingsonthewall.wordpress.com)
heys..
ReplyDeletemy view is total opposite of yours. I believe more in differences. Being similar may cause the relationship to be a little mundane or even result in conflicts. For example, if both have strong characters then both may not want to give in when a problem arises and there may be quarrels and stuff. It gets a little mundane when maybe both are quiet , then wouldn't it get boring because both would talk very little and there would probably be nothing much exciting or entertaining , it would be like looking at yourself.
I guess it's both ways. Like for example, opposites attract because maybe there are certain weakness in you which is the other person's strength and they would compliment each other. But on the other hand, similarities attract too, in perhaps the way a couple can emphatize with each other or sharing the same interest and hobbies.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I feel that perhaps it's not so much about whether dissimilarities or similarites attracts, but to understand whether with similarities or differences, it is truly love, and acceptance which would make a relationship work.
HI SHULING!
ReplyDeleteGood choice of drama to study! Although I have to admit I had a little problem following their names :)
I agree with you that I would prefer to look for a partner who is similar to me. This would probably benefit more in the interpersonal relationship, as we would be have to have things to do together and have similar conversational topics to talk about.
On the other hand, there are some people who are looking for someone different to complete themselves. For example, a person who is shy and afraid of taking risks might be attracted to someone who is outgoing and loud. This would benefit both parties in some way or another (exchange theory). And like the popular saying that "opposite attracts".
cforceleste.blogspot.com
I agree with Peiwen. Like-mindedness is important to me. Without that, i would not be able to live with a person forever.
ReplyDeleteas for character wise, similarity is preferred, though humor surpasses many considerations. talents wise, dissimilarity is preferred so that our child will be all-rounded, hopefully. :)
I think there should be a balance of similarities and dissimilarities. Let's say you are a timid and shy person. Don't you think it is better that your other half is a daring and brave person instead? Then he'll be able to protect you. But then they should have some common hobbies and interests too. And so they'll be able to have more common topics and thus spend more time together doing the things that both of them like.
ReplyDeleteI believe that a person who shares similar values and beliefs as me will appeal to me more in the long-run. This is because I know that only a person like this will be able to support me when I make tough decisions in my life. Only then can a relationship go a long way.
ReplyDeleteReferring back to the show, Naoki and Natsuki probably had similar characters that attracted them to each other in the first place. However, they had too extreme differences in beliefs. Perhaps that is why they could not support each other when it comes to later important aspects of their lives, leading to a breakdown of the relationship?
I would think that there needs to be a balance between similarity and differences. An exact replica of yourself will be boring yet extreme difference in character would lead to many clashes. i think couples need to at least share some fundamental beliefs and values for a relationship to sustain in the long run. Differences in character or perspectives in some aspects can actually spice up the relationship. and as what bings said, it's only with love and acceptance that we can work around similiarites or differences to make relationship work.
ReplyDeleteIf the other person is very similar to me, i recognise those attributes quickly and get familiar with him easily. And as the saying goes, familarity breeds contempt... I am not sure about the others. But i find myself attracted to guys who have attributes that stands out differently from me. It constitutes admiration and that is when we complement each other as a couple.
ReplyDeletebeyond that, i would agree with bings and eileen that love works around all the similarities and differences. becoz love, fundamentally, is unconditional. so whatever mentioned above are personal preference. eventually i believe love overcomes all the pre-supposed factors of attraction. :)
I suppose relationship can work with people of similar character or different characters. As all of us are different and so the partners we seek are different.
ReplyDeleteSome like to be with people that are similar to them as it is easier to connect and relate to.
Some like to be with people that are different as it may be more interesting and can know more things and talk more.
I suppose ultimately, what is important is to be able to relate and feel the connection with the partner. Also, to be able to be yourself, being able to express freely without having to hide the real you. And, of course feeling safe with the partner around =)
@Peiwen
ReplyDeleteI agree that there should be similarities in values and beliefs, if not how are you going to connect to the person? I also believe that differences should be worked out during the relationship, especially if they’re rather trivial. That’s why I’m a 70-30!
@Staelen
ReplyDeleteI see that you’re someone who really needs affirmation from your significant other! Haha, that aside, I do agree that there can be both positive and negative outcomes no matter similar or dissimilar. It’s largely dependent on the couple to figure how to work that out, and discover the chemistry between them. Thank you for your opinion!
@kai ting
ReplyDeleteThat’s one of the major drawbacks of engaging with someone who’s almost the opposite of you! Indeed, having someone who is similar in interests and thinking would help remove any ambiguity and help the relationship advance faster.
@Li Ni
ReplyDeleteI’m very sorry the video link is broken :( and I can’t seem to find the an alternative video source!
You’re just like me! Just a little different with the ration, since I’m a 70-30. Personally, I feel that we cannot attribute an end of a relationship on dissimilarities. It is really dependent on the couple to work them out. Most would disengage when they find that they “cannot tolerate each other anymore”, or “I thought he could change, but he didn’t”, “our characters are too different”. They all happen both on drama and real-life drama, isn’t it?
@Chu Yuan
ReplyDeleteThere’s definitely no right or wrong! It’s a matter of choices and preferences :)
Unlike what you’ve mentioned, I think that dissimilarities can be attractive at first, but you’ll need the basis of similarities, so as to have a common ground and then further that relationship. Thus the difference between our views yar? 70-30 versus 50-50
Thank you for sharing your view!
@YR
ReplyDeleteAre you referring to yourself? *winks
As we’ve been discussing, this is really a very personal opinion. And of course, perhaps “the opposite” works for you while “the same” works for me. I cannot imagine having to live the rest of my life with someone who is very different from me. My tolerance for that is a 30%!
You must be expecting your Mr. Opposite to complete your life *winks again
Thank you for sharing your opinion!
@bings
ReplyDeleteYou’ve pointed out something so important but often neglected -- TRUE LOVE! When the couple are truly in love, they’ll figure a way how to handle the similarities and the differences. I very much agree on that. Why didn’t you share your preference? Haha.
@Celeste
ReplyDeleteOops, I’m sorry if it was rather hard to follow the names. That’s why I did the picture so that you can connect the respective names to their faces!
“Opposite attracts” is so cliché already! The new one should be “same same but different”. Makes lots of sense doesn’t it? That means to have many similarities but enough differences that distinguish the individuals.
@Ke Li
ReplyDeleteI see you’re planning ahead! Actually scientifically, we’re attracted to people who are similar to us! Ok, but we can always defy science :) and not all things can be explained with science. So back on that, I presume you’re also one of the greedy ones who wants the best of both worlds!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI acknowledge your point! But that balance is often hard to achieve. After replying all the comments thus far, I wonder how it would be like to design our own lover! Then that will truly reflect our preferences very strongly :)
@Eileen
ReplyDeleteYes! I do agree that there was a change that triggered Natsuki to revaluate her relationship with Naoki. You’ve pointed it out correctly that it led to the breakdown of their relationship. Perhaps one more reason why Natsuki established the romantic relationship with Naoki is because she is seeking for security. So when she could no longer derive a sense of security with Naoki, she left him. But it was a good disengagement! If not, Naoki wouldn’t have found someone so dear to him :)
@Dorcas
ReplyDeleteLove and acceptance! I like that. That is really important in the maintenance of any relationship. I spot another greedy one, who wants a similar someone who can complement your shortcomings!
@Sihui
ReplyDeleteI like your comment :)
I think I need not elaborate because you’ve said it well!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThat’s why I say, it’s really about personal preferences! :)
Anyway, I guess that you’re a girl! I’m guessing from the emphasis on connectedness in terms of feelings and emotions. I agree with you on that, because it ultimately determines how much self-disclosure there is within the relationship and how the relationship will deepen (or not). Thank you for your insightful opinion!